Opposite equals
Accepting the first without abandoning the second
There’s a concept in therapy called the dialectic. It sounds complicated. Really, it isn’t.
Simply, it means that two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time. Opposite equals—a term that resonates personally.
You can love someone and know it isn’t working. You can be proud of something and know it needs to change. You can accept where you are and still want to be somewhere different.
That last one is the one I sit with. It’s where I have been for a long time now.
ADS was never a sobriety project. You know this. I’ve said that before. It’s not about quitting—it’s about the space between where I am and where I’d like to be—accepting the first without abandoning the second.
For a long time I thought those two things conflicted. That accepting meant settling. That wanting to change meant rejecting what is.
They’re not in conflict. They’re the whole point.
Why am I sharing this? Because there’s a good chance at least one of you is in the same space. You might not know it yet.
You don’t have to choose between acceptance and change. You can hold both. In fact, the only way to change anything sustainably is to start from acceptance rather than self-punishment.
The last relationship might have had more of a chance if the therapy we had understood this.
Not either/or. Both.
Nick
