Digging deeper
Sixty-odd posts in. Still digging.
Truth be known, last night I seriously questioned what I’m doing here.
For what reason: since starting ‘ads’—April 1—long enough for me not to remember if it was a “fool’s joke’—I’ve drank more than I was before. No records, no journal, just a feel. But, when I say that, it feels like I have enjoyed the drinking more than before; way more accepting, and less self-critical. Being single might be a reason.
The isolation part is self-made—I know this, the accountability is internal, which sounds like freedom but mostly feels like permission. Permission to drift. Nobody to answer to, nobody watching, nobody noticing. That’s both the appeal and the problem.
But then, this is exactly why I started ‘ads’. Not to perform sobriety for anyone. Not to arrive anywhere neat and resolved. But to turn up, write honestly, and trust that the act of showing up is itself the thing—sixty-odd posts in, and still here. Still digging.
That has to be worth something. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
Nick
It resonates here. Each day a new message. They don’t all land, but most do. Keep it up.